The Baked Angel of Death

On our way to Austin this weekend, a friend and I stopped at a truckstop called "Flying J" to grab a snack for the road. In their hot deli counter they had this monstrosity of a food offering called the "Big Dog." After doing a bit of research this morning, it turns out the Big Dog is a half-pound hot dog wrapped in a small pizza dough, pig-in-a-blanket style. Then it's brushed with eggwash, seasoned, and baked to a golden brown. I don't know if you can visualize how big this hand-held heart attack was. The half-pound weiner alone was a good 12 inches long with a diameter of about 1-1/2 to 2 inches... we're talking serious girth here! I swear these beasts were as big as a rolling pin.

There they sat, just basking under that heat lamp, displaying all their magnificence and grandeur. It almost seems like they were talking to us, through some kind of weird trucker food ESP, beckoning us closer and daring us to take the challenge. We stood there for a good minute, just staring at them, mouths completely agape. After I snapped out of my trance, I decided that although I may be man enough to rise to the challenge someday, it was not going to be that day, and I would have to pass.

However, my friend apparently has little to live for, so he wanted to step up to the plate. But being that I was the one driving, and our trip was going to be another 2 hours, I had to disallow it. My decisions were based on the fact that I wasn't sure if there was a hospital, or a clean restroom, anywhere between Flying J and our destination. I don't care if you're in perfect health and have complete control over your bowel movements, you are not getting in the car with me after eating that thing. I doubt even Zeus, himself, could put down this nutritional abomination without having to repeatedly burp or pass gas to relieve the massive pressure the Big Dog would undoubtedly create in one's stomach.

Unfortunately, I didn't have my camera on me and was not able to take a snapshot of it. I was able to find a picture of it on the web, but this picture (below) doesn't do it justice. I swear that thing was twice as thick! I'm thinking the one in the picture must have shriveled to that size after a day under the heatlamp.

Bon appetit, and good luck with that triple bypass!




"trucker energy bar"